Lately Ive been having difficulty sleeping. Its hard to fall to sleep and close my eyes. Once I do, I get gripped with fear over absolutely nothing and I open my eyes, scared to close my eyes back, scared to be alone.
I thought I was over this living alone in the dark thing. When I was traveling 2 years ago, the first 2 nights of every hotel stay had to have the room all lit up before I felt safe to sleep. And even then it would be a rocky sleep.
In Nairobi, I initially slept with the lights on and it took awhile before I could surrender to the dark. How long will it take for me to surrender to the dark here? What am I so afraid of? Why only now do I get this fear?
Now, I have to watch videos online until my eyes get tired and I succumb to the sore eyes and doze off.
Sigh.
Well, on another note, I had another spiritual encounter today. I went to church and the worship was playing and.... I just suddenly felt compelled to offer my services in some way. Unsure of where this desire of serving came in but it grew stronger as we proceeded through worship. So I just silently made a pact with God... I said... ok God, if the pastor (or vicar in this church) called for people to join in any ministry, I will take it as a sign to volunteer myself. Immediately after I said that, I flipped through the notices that I was handed and there it was, a sheet of paper asking for volunteers to join in any ministry in the church. It even had little checkboxes asking which of the various ministries would I like to volunteer to, leave your name, number, email and the church will get in touch etc. The pastor went on to explain that today was offering Sunday and he called for volunteers to simply fill in that sheet and leave it in the offering basket. It was as simple as that.
How coincidental is that?! How could I ever ignore such a sign and calling when it has been so blatantly shoved to me.
Throughout the service, I started remembering people who I have been influenced spiritually by and whom my faith was touched in someway that I can still recall to this day. And I thank God for bringing these bright moments in my life that has formed part of my spiritual identity. There are more, but these people were the ones I remember most fondly today...
1. When I get lost and doubtful of my faith - I draw back on this memory from my first boyfriend and a simple line that he said to me. Well, technically, it was a line I said to him before and he repeated it back to me, thanking me for saying it to him. How ironic that I needed to hear that line in order to know its value.
2. When I need inspiration and remember people who receive joy from the Lord - I remember Celeste in Secondary School... Believe it or not girl, you have made an impact in those days. I remembered we were both "spiritually charged" and I can't remember the exact song or poem you created but I remembered tat enthusiasm and passion you had at that time. I don't know if it has changed but I can clearly recall how happy you were at that moment when you sang that song you created to me. And I remember being happy because you were happy because of Him. And I always thought back of that moment when I need inspiration because it was a testimony that He creates things through people.
3. When I need to be discipline and have commitment - I remember Alexius for his dedication and being wowed over at the extent of how nice this guy is and how his entire value system is based on faith.
4. When I am feeling down and lost and angry and every negative feeling... - I remember my guru, Neil and I thank the times he reminded me to be faithful and "Just Pray Stace". He made me stop whatever I was doing to be still and just give it up.
5. When I need to be theoretically sound and knowledgeable about the bible, I remember Adriel, my Sunday School teacher who emphasized on correct theoretical, historical and empirical interpretation of the bible and true knowledge as power.
And to conclude this long post and going back to my fear which I wrote of in the beginning...
6. When I feel scared, I remember about the passages Celeste (yes, you again) showed me when she was sharing about a book to me. (A very powerful book about cults, the devil, demons and more importantly how absolutely real those are and how we can stand against it). So the passages are:
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. Eph 6:10-11"
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 1 Sam 17:45
I thought I was over this living alone in the dark thing. When I was traveling 2 years ago, the first 2 nights of every hotel stay had to have the room all lit up before I felt safe to sleep. And even then it would be a rocky sleep.
In Nairobi, I initially slept with the lights on and it took awhile before I could surrender to the dark. How long will it take for me to surrender to the dark here? What am I so afraid of? Why only now do I get this fear?
Now, I have to watch videos online until my eyes get tired and I succumb to the sore eyes and doze off.
Sigh.
Well, on another note, I had another spiritual encounter today. I went to church and the worship was playing and.... I just suddenly felt compelled to offer my services in some way. Unsure of where this desire of serving came in but it grew stronger as we proceeded through worship. So I just silently made a pact with God... I said... ok God, if the pastor (or vicar in this church) called for people to join in any ministry, I will take it as a sign to volunteer myself. Immediately after I said that, I flipped through the notices that I was handed and there it was, a sheet of paper asking for volunteers to join in any ministry in the church. It even had little checkboxes asking which of the various ministries would I like to volunteer to, leave your name, number, email and the church will get in touch etc. The pastor went on to explain that today was offering Sunday and he called for volunteers to simply fill in that sheet and leave it in the offering basket. It was as simple as that.
How coincidental is that?! How could I ever ignore such a sign and calling when it has been so blatantly shoved to me.
Throughout the service, I started remembering people who I have been influenced spiritually by and whom my faith was touched in someway that I can still recall to this day. And I thank God for bringing these bright moments in my life that has formed part of my spiritual identity. There are more, but these people were the ones I remember most fondly today...
1. When I get lost and doubtful of my faith - I draw back on this memory from my first boyfriend and a simple line that he said to me. Well, technically, it was a line I said to him before and he repeated it back to me, thanking me for saying it to him. How ironic that I needed to hear that line in order to know its value.
2. When I need inspiration and remember people who receive joy from the Lord - I remember Celeste in Secondary School... Believe it or not girl, you have made an impact in those days. I remembered we were both "spiritually charged" and I can't remember the exact song or poem you created but I remembered tat enthusiasm and passion you had at that time. I don't know if it has changed but I can clearly recall how happy you were at that moment when you sang that song you created to me. And I remember being happy because you were happy because of Him. And I always thought back of that moment when I need inspiration because it was a testimony that He creates things through people.
3. When I need to be discipline and have commitment - I remember Alexius for his dedication and being wowed over at the extent of how nice this guy is and how his entire value system is based on faith.
4. When I am feeling down and lost and angry and every negative feeling... - I remember my guru, Neil and I thank the times he reminded me to be faithful and "Just Pray Stace". He made me stop whatever I was doing to be still and just give it up.
5. When I need to be theoretically sound and knowledgeable about the bible, I remember Adriel, my Sunday School teacher who emphasized on correct theoretical, historical and empirical interpretation of the bible and true knowledge as power.
And to conclude this long post and going back to my fear which I wrote of in the beginning...
6. When I feel scared, I remember about the passages Celeste (yes, you again) showed me when she was sharing about a book to me. (A very powerful book about cults, the devil, demons and more importantly how absolutely real those are and how we can stand against it). So the passages are:
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. Eph 6:10-11"
David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 1 Sam 17:45
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