Was supposed to write an update to someone.. but somehow just felt I needed to pen down my thoughts to no one in particular and write on in an attempt to disentangle the cobwebs in my mind.
Why do I feel like everything is so messy?
Why do things become more and more fuzzy the closer it gets to the end? It's supposed to be the other way around.
Somewhere along the lines, while pursuing one course of action, I have lost my bearings and now seem to have lost my footing. I have made and lost friends, I have been sensible, I have been reckless, I have been selfish, I have been too giving, I have been too smart, I have been foolish and naive. I have been too indulgent, I have been too childish.
I'm frightened to take a step forward because I don't know where it will lead me to and I don't know how stable the ground below me is. I keep moving all over the place because I want to keep everything open and all that ends up is just lots of openings but still no courage to pick one and cross the chasm.
And doing so have left my life with so many gaps, so many holes that I'm starting to wonder if I have done the right thing all along?
But, by whose measures am I judging this by? My parents? My siblings? My friends? God? Society? Myself?
I feel like sometimes, things are not moving and yet at the same time, time is moving on and forcing things to spiral, spiral out of control. And I'm being pulled, pulled by unseen pressures and voices Pulled by what is deemed as the sensible thing to do, as the right thing to do. I'm haunted by the memory of hurt faces, of disappointed looks and of masked feelings. Why is it only when I return do I get plagued by relentless waves of self-doubt and lose every shred of self-confidence.
I feel lost. I am not happy.
Why do I feel like everything is so messy?
Why do things become more and more fuzzy the closer it gets to the end? It's supposed to be the other way around.
Somewhere along the lines, while pursuing one course of action, I have lost my bearings and now seem to have lost my footing. I have made and lost friends, I have been sensible, I have been reckless, I have been selfish, I have been too giving, I have been too smart, I have been foolish and naive. I have been too indulgent, I have been too childish.
I'm frightened to take a step forward because I don't know where it will lead me to and I don't know how stable the ground below me is. I keep moving all over the place because I want to keep everything open and all that ends up is just lots of openings but still no courage to pick one and cross the chasm.
And doing so have left my life with so many gaps, so many holes that I'm starting to wonder if I have done the right thing all along?
But, by whose measures am I judging this by? My parents? My siblings? My friends? God? Society? Myself?
I feel like sometimes, things are not moving and yet at the same time, time is moving on and forcing things to spiral, spiral out of control. And I'm being pulled, pulled by unseen pressures and voices Pulled by what is deemed as the sensible thing to do, as the right thing to do. I'm haunted by the memory of hurt faces, of disappointed looks and of masked feelings. Why is it only when I return do I get plagued by relentless waves of self-doubt and lose every shred of self-confidence.
I feel lost. I am not happy.
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