quotes i came across

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~Jack Benny

bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~Bob Hope

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.~Gallagher

I can resist anything but temptation.~Oscar Wilde

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. -- Chic Murray

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. -- Oliver Herford

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. -- Les Dawson

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C. Fields

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -- Elayne Boosler

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. -- Billy Connolly

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -- Demetri Martin

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. -- Slappy White

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -- Edgar Bergen

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. -- Drew Carey

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. -- Helen Rowland

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. -- Elayne Boosler

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. -- Henry Youngman

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams

A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man. -- Lana Turner

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? -- Unknown

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonnette

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. -- Mistinguette (as quoted in Theatre Arts, Dec 1955)

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -- Robert Frost

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. -- Chris Rock

[on Michael Jackson] Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species. -- robin williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? -- (from Mork and Mindy)